No, no! No fat women, no fat women!
Calm down, doctor, calm down. Just relax.
We'll find something else. Maybe an astronaut.
It's horrible.
You really are difficult.
Very well, we'll move on to ambiguity.
Ambiguity.
What ambiguity? L operated on her.
Really? You took something away?
No, l took nothing away.
L did her lips.
But l did them well, not like yours.
Dr. Didier did yours, didn't he? The bastard.
Hey, show a bit of respect!
My dear, you just mind your own business.
All right, we're going to change the setting.
Ah, this is something quite different!
When l was a child...
l loved looking after the herd that my father had.
Really? And...?
It moves me.
It moves me, but it doesn't excite me.
Here.
Well...
l'm very sorry.
But you know that l'm always at your disposal.
We'll be getting new material...
with prehistoric women and dinosaurs...
and l'm sure you'll like it.
No, excuse me. Another nought.
The material, you know. And l'd like to point out...
that l haven't charged you for the little duck.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- The person with Mr. Kirilov? - That's me.
Thank you.
It was a pleasure.
In the figurative sense, l fear.
Don't worry. You've been deliciously inefficient.
- Good-bye, doctor. - Good-bye.
Doctor, your wife rang. She was very upset.
She said your son was going to have lunch with you.
What does she want me to do?
Mr. Kirilov is ready, he's on the table.
You take care of it, l'm leaving.
It's a matter of life and death, he's on the run.
Let them arrest him. You can take the day off...
or do whatever you want. L'm leaving.
But, doctor...
lt's life or death.
Who's there?
Is that you, doctor?
Can anyone hear me?
Doctor?
- Do you want oranges? - No, just a few bananas.
If you're going to Tombouctou, you'll need oranges.
For the vitamins.
That's why you should eat oranges.
No, how much is the banana?
- 10 francs. - For one banana?
- It's too much! - Lt's the price.
- It's too much. - Look!
You're mad!
No, doctor!
Don't jump!
It's all right, there's no problem.
Give me another banana, please.
Want some oranges? They're 10 francs.
L've got no money.
- No? - Just 10 francs.
All right, take them.
- Is Tombouctou that way? - Yes, and then right.
- Where to, sir? - Oh, yes. To Pigalle, please.
That's for you. Hurry.
Would you mind giving me your cap?
- Of course not. - Thank you.
- Good-bye. - Thank you.
Go on, quickly.
Thank you, good-bye!
You're going the wrong way down a one-way street!
- Good-bye! - Asshole!
PARIS TOMBOUCTOU
Excuse me.
Did you sleep well?
You must be from an NGO.
Welcome to Valencia and the First Congress on Food Surplus.
For accreditation, go to the Hemisferic and see Miss Pasqualita.
Understand?
Here's your tee-shirt, bathing suit...
stickers and diet canape.
- Happy new millennium. - Good-bye.
Shit!
Keep moving!
Do you miss your Mom?
Yes.
Sergeant, this one's about to burst into tears.
For fuck's sake!
Listen, kid, does your mother take you whoring?
No.
- So who are you better off with? - With my lieutenant.
Then fucking thank him.
Thank you for the permission to go whoring, sir.
Play the goddam drum.
Come over here.
Hey, how's the cyclist? What did he order?
Mercurochrome.
Do you have any Biodramine? This girl's feeling nauseous.
- Ask at the bar. - Thank you.
Happy Christmas Eve.
Please, some Biodramine.
The girl got carsick on the bends.
We don't have any, but we can give you water and sugar.
By the way, that green tank outside, is it yours?
Yes, what about it?
- You've left the lights on. - Fuck it.
Are you stupid? Go and turn them off. Lt's the little one.
But, sir, l wasn't driving. Lt was...
Who asked you anything? Get going.
His mother wouldn't let him be an objector.
Girls, it's the King's message!
Everyone, stand to attention! Come on!
Men and women of Spain...
He's so gorgeous! And he never changes.
- He's from my town. - Are you from Rome?
From the very outskirts.
- Aren't you from Azuqueca? - Keep quiet.
L'll tryto explain it to you.
In the days of Ferdinand and lsabel...
m y illustrious ancestors,...
the m ain question was raised.
Sir, how are you feeling?
Awful.
Oh, dear.
Very kind.
The Mercurochrome.
Felipe ll, another illustrious ancestor of m ine...
responded to the question with a singular clarity of vision:
"Spain is everything that can help annoy foreigners."
Good-for-nothing asshole!
Jerk-off!
You going far, brother?
Another nigger!
Please, don't touch me!
A Frenchman! Now they have to come here to ruin our fruit.
- Come on. - An accident!
Hurry up, please. L can't hold on.
He's just got a few bruises.
- Who'll pay for this? - The Ministry, of course.
Let's see if anything's broken.
We'll take you to the next town to get you fixed up.
Let's get you in the car.
Mind your hands, you're going to dirty me.
We're exhibiting at Funefair.
The recycleable, ecological coffin.
Come on, just take it easy. That's the way.
- Be careful. - No, no!
Good God, don't be superstitious!
Fuck superstitious! My ass is sore!
You hurt your face, not your ass.
- My bike. - The bicycle.
Yes, yes, if you'll help me we'll take the bicycle too.
Come on, everyone.
Planelles, big mouth!
Look who's talking! Go jump in a grave!
No, not in the back. You'll dirty everything.
Let's hang this on the side.
What a journey!
Come on, sweetheart, start moving. Get some help.
- What is it? - Great, you opened for me!
- Why are you dressed like that? - L'm a hostess, can't you see?
Do you know any first aid?
- Why is he in there? - He's injured.
And l'm an asshole. Why are you still in there?
It was more comfortable.
L said, not in the coffin. That's what feeds my children.
- All because you had to stop. - What was l to do?
He's ruined it.
We could have won a medal. How can l exhibit this?
Ma'am, do you have any stain remover?
Try the drugstore. Anything broken?
No, but it hurts. Oh, my ass!
Your ass! Don't worry, l've been in lots of missions...
and l'm sick of seeing asses and...
Anyway, come on.
- Dam, come out and help. - Lt's my sandwich time.
L don't care, help us.
- Where do you want him? - Over here.
Get on the counter, love.
- So you've got no Cebralin? - Right.
- Any orgeat? - Yes.
- May l? - Yes.
- Let's see. - Let's see.
- L presume it's today's. - Yes, and from my own crop.
Be careful!
And supportive as well.
- Does this virgin cure too? - Only with donations.
- Here, some hydration. - Thank you.
Dam, a towel.
Any built-up insoles? You know, for modelling...
Give over, child.
- What's in this? - Tiger nuts.
Let's see this ass.
- Volcanic! - Good "heavings", a disaster!
- How awful! Ls there blood? - Yes, lots of blood. Go away.
Insoles are back here.
L haven't seen one like this in a long time.
Trini! You've got work to do! Come down!
Boils apart, do you have third party coverage?
L was staking the whole season on this fair!
Listen, if l rubbed the satin with lemonade, would that...?
In the bar.
Have you got no anti-odor ones?
Let's go. The Frenchman can pay for the orgeat.
Right!
- Did you call me, Encarna? - Yes.
Why is this gentleman on the counter, showing his ass?
An accident!
Jesus!
- Is it so horrible? - Lt's really disgusting.
How can you go around with a baby's bottom like this?
- Bring a scalpel, Dam! - Are you going to cut?
Yes, but l know what l'm doing. You're in good hands.
Come on, hurry up.
Cutting isn't child's play, you know.
- L know, l know. - Want to bite on something?
L... l prefer this.
Think of something pleasant.
L'll think of Tombouctou.
- Don't get the dressing wet. - L'm doing my best.
Now, the genitals.
- Look! He isn't that bad, is he? - Considering he's a white man.
- That's it. - Don't you have a bathtub?
What, and let you block it up on us?
Look at all the dirt on you!
Anyway, we have a wonderful micro-climate here.
Yes, but hurry, Trini, it's starting to look like an almond.
It's true, poor thing.
- One more turn around. - That's it.
Now we're finished.
Are you going to El Rocio?
Encarna, they'll lock you up again.
L bet the police are after him.
Don't say a word, eh? Not a word.
L know why you're here.
Why don't you stay here tonight, with us?
No, no, an hotel.
There's only one, and it's for the Russians, for the millennium.
Mom's room would be perfect for him.
L prefer to be alone.
- But poor Mom isn't with us now. - She isn't with us, poor Mom.
- Now then, move that hand. - Trini!
What are you doing?
- Your husband? - No, our partner.
This gentleman had an accident.
This is the guy with the bicycle!
Vicente Bermejo, of Bermejo Bathrooms.
- Michel des Assantes. - He's staying here tonight.
There won't be any problem, will there?
L don't want to disappoint her.
Come on, love, you have to give me my injection.
L'll leave you with my sister. You're in good hands.
Your foot, your foot.
You've got the feet of a pianist.
Wait a minute, l'm going to try to get rid of the hollow.
L don't know what to do.
At first we left it, out of respect for the deceased.
But now, l don't know why...
it's as if it were reappearing all on its own.
Was your mother an artiste?
Yes, with the Viennese Company. You must have heard of it.
- Did they have bullfighters? - No, that's Manolete.
- The maestro. - A bull killed him?
Yes. As you know, it's usually the other way round.
It was terrible for poor Mom.
- She and he...? - No. Well, yes.
She never wanted to tell us about it, but yes.
You only have to look at Trini to realize. Poor Mom.
With her last breath, she still had strength to say...
"Manuel! Manolete! Manolillo! Why did you leave me?"
- How sad. - Yes.
- Are you suffering a lot? - Yes.
Well, you mustn't. The Lord suffered enough for us.
Suffering is like insulting him.
No, no, don't you worry.
It's the damp that causes them. They never bite.
Come in, love.
Happy Christmas!
Is that for me?
Yes, it's the traditional Christmas meal.
Stew, the parson's nose from the turkey, and bream.
What have you brought? This is just backbone.
- L celebrate Christmas too. - The eyes!
How thoughtful!
FOR THE END OF THE MILLENNIUM.
FREIXENET.
Your husband's so backward. A washbowl!
You're not to piss in it, l know you.
What do you mean?
If you'd let me install the Gondola model...
Promises, promises. Always on about the Gondola washbasin.
We don't even have a bathtub!
We had to wash the poor Frenchman on the terrace.
You'd let anyone into this house, even if he's covered in boils.
Well, you're right about that.
That's it.
Oh, Trini, your little toes, your painted nails.
You really get me horny.
Come on, my odalisque, my Scheherazade.
Where are we going now, Vicente?
We'll continue with the injection.
But don't talk about boils.
- Sorry, pet. - Or pus.
Just about screwing.
You're crushing my balls! Get off!
It isn't going in. Something isn't right. Come on.
Now, now! Come on, come on!
4 D AYS, 12 HOURS...
AND 6 MINUTES...
UNTIL THE END OF THE MILLENNIUM.
- Bonjour, good morning. - Good morning.
- L see you've met Anacleto. - Yes, he's very friendly.
- How's the boil? - Lt's fine.
Again!
- Those explosions? - Lt's a "mascleta".
A primitive custom, like all the ones we have here.
In some villages they throw a goat from a belfry...
just for the fun of seeing it fall.
What do you think of that? Savages!
What's that scar? Did they throw you off a belfry too?
No, a gun.
You poor thing! But why?
One, gun. Two, window.
But l'm a coward.
Three, Tombouctou.
Well, you'll be happy as a sandboy here in Calabuch.
We love people here, and animals too, if l may say so.
If that's so...
why the passion for bullfighting?
In Spain, we all love bullfights, except for a handful of morons.
Taste that, you'll love it.
- Delicious. - Yes!
It's bread with olive oil and salt. A Mediterranean breakfast.
For fuck's sake, what have you done? What have you done?
My dear man, these have been lit since the maestro died.
He was moving.
How could he have moved?
If my mother could see this!
It's obvious you loved her a lot.
Well, she was...
an evil bitch, but l've got her blood in my veins.
And the bullfighter's.
You've noticed too?
It's undeniable.
Just look at this. Look at it.
Identical.
A great privilege.
When they recognize it. L asked to have the body exhumed...
for the DNA business, but they said no.
They could take the body out for some air and tidy the niche.
We wouldn't do any harm. What do you think?
L don't know. L'm not dead.
Encarna, let go, please. Lt's just for try-out.
The Second Division talent scouts are coming.
L said no!
Confiscated, and that's that.
- Good morning. - A blessed good morning.
- The orgeat... May l? - Yes, take whatever you want.
Today, you're giving off an air of great peace.
And you're looking all cleaned up and handsome.
That's because of the bream's eye. Lt makes you very thirsty.
- There isn't any. - That's right.
You finished it all yesterday.
Listen, you're French.
Tell the boy that drugs are very bad for sport.
On the contrary.
Very good for the desert.
If l may...
But listen, in the long term this kills you.
That's fine.
L'm in no hurry.
Suicide in slow motion.
Where's my bike?
L took it to Boronat's repair shop. Lt's this way, come on.
Wait, wait.
L've got something very special for you.
Look, a souvenir of Zimbabwe.
Put it on every time you've got a problem.
Yes, well...
lt's very good for everything, even for that.
It works miracles.
Yes, with that, the Masai have...
Anyway... Take the gentleman to the repair shop.
Come on.
That turncoat is out there, dam her to hell anyway.
What's wrong?
The mayoress is out there, his wife.
The thing is, he has to stay at least 150 feet away from her.
- Court ruling. - Did you hit her?
Who, me? Never!
It's that Russian girlfriend she's got who hits her.
But when the judge saw the bruises, he blamed me.
The Russian woman hits your wife? Tell me.
- What are you, a pervert? - Yes.
Then set up a menage-a-trois with them.
L've had enough.
Come on, come on. Hide in here.
Why don't you get an annulment from the Holy Mother Church!
Well, well, well. So you're the one who spilled the oranges.
We'll have a little talk later.
The Frenchman! Give him a bag, Olga, darling.
- Happy millennium in Calabuch. - L'm here by accident.
Oh, at mile 56. Yes, it's a black spot.
But as there have only been two deaths, and Traffic needs three...
We're working on it. Where's your shit of a boss?
Don't know, don't understand, haven't seen.
No? Well, tell him l've bought a laser distance measurer...
and if he oversteps by one inch, l'll report him.
They've arrived! Thank Heavens.
Everyone stand back, please.
To the "trenet". To the "trenet".
Calabuch oranges.
To the "trenet".
Why are you pissing there? They're pissing in the garden!
Well, they've come non-stop from Prague!
Are they not Russian? How will you talk to them?
Don't worry, l can mime in all languages.
- Oh, l'm missng one. - No, you've made a mistake.
Come on, Ximo. What's...
Hey, we've arrived!
A dead corpse!
Nobody move. Ruben, get the tape and seal off the bus.
Clear the area.
What's wrong?
Nothing, just another dead body.
So long.
You come, police.
We have to search them all.
Mr. Michel, you see how they bring in foreigners?
Then we loose jobs as center fielders.
No human rights, treating people like that.
You're a "xenophile", you always call me Arab.
- You don't even wash the glasses. - Look who's talking.
- Let's go, Mr. Michel. - Lt's 300 pesetas.
Vicente will pay that. Vicente, my shit of a boss.
- The oranges. - You're disgusting.
Look at how they waste rice instead of sending it to China.
PAELLA COURTES Y OF BERMENJO BATHROOMS
Thank you. You don't have any spare glasses, do you?
Hey, Hasan, son of a bitch! You black bastard!
The bike's for work, not picking up.
That black uses bike to give ride to every whore in town.
Thief, all blacks the same. Boronat's repair shop.
Hello.
Hello, how are you? Do you mind moving back a little?
Am l bothering you?
Just the opposite. Lt's to get a better perspective.
Can you tell me if the "S" is right?
Until it's finished, l don't want to say.
You're quite right.
This used to be a libertarian center and we're restoring it.
But we're calling it "Libertarian Casino"...
because that's got an "S" and the "S" is a whole world.
That's what art consists of, taking a risk.
Now, if l may, l'll carry on with the "S". Lt's so voluptuous.
- But go on inside. - Thank you.
Hello?
Well, do you like it?
Yes, yes. My father had got one just like it.
Your father, and then everyone. That's when we started fucking up.
Don't you like cars?
The car is one thing, industry is another.
Industry hanged Sacco and Vanzetti.
You're the French guy with the bike.
- No, thanks. - You still sore?
Your ass.
If only you knew. The cyclist's great curse.
- Make yourself comfortable. - No, thank you.
How's my bike?
What can l say? Dreadful.
Another place would have thrown it out...
but this is Boronat's repair shop.
L'll buy the white one.
Are you joking? Lt's a piece of shit.
What's more, a man can abandon his wife...
but never his bicycle.
A good bike will always be faithful...
but a woman will betray you.
- You like it? - Yes.
It's mine, from the Tour.
- You raced in the Tour? - Of course.
In four of them.
That's me on the Galivier.
Well, l'm behind the car.
The leader was a real gentleman, Julio Benez.
Why do you want to go to Tombouctou?
Are you on the run or trying to set a record?
No, no. L want to go far away and be on my own.
Ah, a depressive.
And that's why you're going to Tombouctou?
Try going up the Tourmalet, in 104° F...
dehydrated and with the trots. Then you're really on your own.
The fuck with Tombouctou!
You'll have the army, the rebels, the priests, the NGOs, Club Med...
That's the most dangerous, it's full of divorcees.
You'd be just as alone in Benidorm.
So what do l do?
Kill myself like Hemingway?
Shit! Now l've gone and burned this!
Hemingway was a fucking pansy. Belmonte was the one with balls.
The day he couldn't get it up, he went riding for 8 hours...
to check he was in perfect physical condition.
When he got home, he shot himself.
Suicide is still a bourgois solution.
We are still in the century of anarchism, comrade.
And the natural end for the anarchist is the garrotte.
What?
The garrotte. And this stew is all fucked up.
How do you want to go?
Let's see. Through the Atlas...
or across the Sahara?
- What does it matter? - A lot.
Shock absorbers, tires, sprocket wheels...
The mountains are tough, but in the desert...
you'll get knocked down by a motor bike.
The Atlas, then.
Hey, hey!
- Boronat? - L don't know.
- Where's my husband? - Ex, ex, ex.
Let's not get confused.
He hasn't even dared ask for the divorce.
No papers. L'm a world citizen, and my world is my repair shop.
And l've told you not to come here.
L've brought you a letter.
It's from Federico. He's coming to the tribute.
- You must be happy. - Things might get sorted out now.
He's a very jealous man. Do you understand?
- Yes. - Jealous.
No, l'm not jealous. Go away, go back home.
All right. Supper's at 10.00 There's clams.
Good-bye.
Fuck it, l'm not going to negotiate!
- What's up? - Know the story about Bahamonte?
How he stopped on a peak to wait for the others...
because he was well in the lead...
and rewarded himself with an ice-cream and something else.
My wife, who was a waitress in France.
But you're an anarchist. Free love.
Free love? To hell with free love.
Whiskey? Lt's good stuff, contraband.
L was his teammate, a companion.
Some things cannot be tolerated.
Since then, she's in her house, l'm in my repair shop. Cheers!
Boronat!
- Now what is it? - Cheers!
- The membrane in the van is broken. - Again?
- Why don't you let me change it? - How? There's no budget.
Aren't you the one who had the accident?
Yes.
- You have to come to the station. - Me? Why?
Don't ask. All they know about is repression.
L'll book you.
Is it my fault if this fucking wreck has broken down?
L don't want to walk. Processions are bad enough.
Don't get violent, father.
You weren't long putting the tricorn on again.
You know very well it's for the millennium campaign.
Another 1,000 years of patent leather!
Have they let the priest go?
Somebody has to say mass on New Year's Eve. Move, father.
Monsieur...
Sir, why are you arresting me?
You're not arrested. You're detained. Lt isn't the same.
What's the legal concept of "detained"? Defend your rights.
You check the membrane and be quiet.
Fuck the membrane.
L told you not to appear in the street like that!
My private parts are covered and l'm protected by the Constitution.
The Constitution!
You can't drag me through my diocese as if l were a heretic.
L need a dignified means of transport.
Please, can we get on the train?
- The "trenet"? - Yes.
You want us to go on the "trenet"?
It's much more comfortable. He's right.
Will l stop it, sir?
Are you stupid, Pinango? That is not permissable.
So you're one of those aestheticians?
Could you recommend something for a double chin?
At the last synod, they told us to mind our appearance.
All the Roman cardinals have had surgery...
but this lot have embargoed my stipend.
Come on, father, the widow has to eat something.
What did you do?
He bumped off a referee for a penalty in the final minute.
But the moviola showed l was right.
That exempts me from blame.
If this were a God-fearing country...
they'd have given me a lethal injection.
- Is there a warrant out for you? - Of course not.
L just want to disappear, cease to be.
Sacrifice yourself?
If you want to put it like that.
Did you hear what he said?
We only deal with consummated acts.
My dear man, life is sacred. Only God can give it or take it away.
Killing or killing yourself is pure intrusionism.
L mean, l had the support of the linesman, but you...
Agnostic.
Sure, that's easy to say, but then when things start to go wrong...
Look at Machado, Unamuno. Even Stalin...
got cold feet at the end and wanted extreme unction.
This priest's an asshole.
Convert, convert.
You can't go to Limbo. The Vatican got rid of it.
You'll be floating around...
with millions of non-aligned souls.
- What about the Pope? - What about him?
- Nothing. - Good God.
Do l have to sit with him? He's an agnostic.
What is this, Planas?
The orthodox priest from Peniscola.
Fuck, l turn my back and they call him!
It's because of the dead man.
- Where have they taken him? - To the station.
Hurry, they'll get there before me...
and the dead man is my business.
- L'll kill that Sento. - Take it easy.
But you've spent all morning erasing "S" s.
He paints them with acrylic. L'll erase the "P" s if you want.
Yeah, sure, do that, wise guy.
Who's this?
- Hello, officer. - 'Morning.
L've brought Mr. Marti's refrigerated truck.
- It'll be for that Czech guy. - L don't know.
- Over there. - Right.
File through for the garrotte.
And no photos without permission.
One moment, sir.
L've brought the truck for the Czech guy.
- He's there, take him with you. - What? Ln with all the foodstuff?
Blame Funefair. We don't even have a hearse.
- Torralba, get him ready. - Yes, sir.
Are you sure it was death from natural causes?
- Yes, it was kidney failure. - What?
- Urine retention. - Oh, all right. Sign that for me.
That's fine. Thank you very much, Dr. Anura.
And send the bill to the Czech consul, all right?
And be careful on the night shifts.
Careful, Pinango.
Really! Orthodox and rude!
Penarrocha, those people aren't setting foot in my cemetery.
They can find an oven, incinerate him and take the ashes home.
Well, my agnostic friend, no hard feelings.
What are you doing? This is a Christian who wants to confess.
Restrain your libido.
Right, let's get on with our business.
You're charged with colliding with an industrial vehicle...
and damaging a coffin. Lt comes to 600,000 pesetas.
For four oranges?
500,000 are for the coffin. You know, ecological material.
Sir...
l am a European citizen.
Don't get too smart!
Don't get too smart.
- Very well. - This way for the garrotte.
Let's talk about Europe. Let's talk about the bathrobe...
you took from the apartment in Barcelona...
on May 9, 1994.
L don't believe it.
Well, you'd better. Pascal never lies.
Who is Pascal?
European police data base.
- The Schengen Area. - A judge!
L demand to have a judge.
A judge?
Torralba!
- Yes? - Where's the judge?
He's in the capital, sir, being questioned about...
Torralba!
No, no, no, he's on leave. He's on leave.
On leave.
L wonder who's the stupider of the two?
If anyone comes, call me on the Moors' mobile.
The hell with Dam's bike, it's always in the fucking way.
Hello, Michel!
- Have you seen Boronat? - Yes, very elegant...
and the Civil Guard.
- He's always getting in trouble. - No, it wasn't him.
Now l'm the one being hounded.
Good, you can stay longer and see me parade. Look.
L've fixed up your room.
And l changed the sheets. They were a bit...
- You need a new dressing. - Thank you for your hospitality.
No, don't mention it. We love having visitors.
You can get bored at times in a small town.
- Do they enjoy themselves? - Ln public, yes, but in private...
l'm rather like you.
At times, l feel very lonely..
- Let's commit suicide together. - But we've just met.
Why not go and see my brother Gaby? L'm sure you'll both get on.
- Gaby? - Yes, on the floor above.
And if you feel lonely at night, you don't need the doll.
You just have to knock a few times on the wall.
L see.
- For Manolete. - Whatever you say.
See you later.
Michel! L was dying to meet you. Come in, come in.
- Are you Gaby? - Yes, l'm Gabino Puchades.
By profession, designer, but by vocation, erotomaniac.
Are you a fetishist?
- Yes, l have been for years. - Are you really?
Passions are set ideas. Everything else is sentiment.
Sentiment is a feminization of passion.
The balance is perfect. Ready for the factory.
You like it? The varnish is made from my own semen.
Always a bullfighter?
Yes, it's a model l made for Manolo Blahnik.
But he rejected it. Lt was a tribute to my father.
Horn heels.
You're one of the greats, eh?
L've worked with the biggest names. Dior, Versace...
in Milan, in London.
And now l work for him. L'm very happy.
It's a big center for design, and for manufacture too.
But l'll never forget Michel, in London.
L had a much better life there, until l had to come back.
Why?
Because of those harpies, my sisters.
My dying mother said that without me there was no inheritance.
They made sure they found me, using the worst means.
- Pascal? The police? - No, the television.
A nasty humanitarian show.
A program for tracking people down.
Yes, it was horrible. Just look, Michel.
Look at this spectacle.
The family.
Michel...
Look.
We're in the ho m e of the Puchades,...
a fa m ily of artistes, of the fa m ous Viennese Co m pany.
There are m y sisters.
They are about to lose a loved one...
and are looking desperately for another...
their brother, Gaby. This is his photo.
That was me as a boy.
If you recognize hi m, pleasecall the nu m ber...
which is on your screens.
What a huge lie.
Yes.
The other one starts crying. Trini's a real bitch.
Please co m e ho m e, brother.
Mo m is very ill and does nothingbut ask for you.
The inheritance. Poor Mom.
Bitches! That's what you are!
Look who's here. Lt's Anacleto.
They even bring out Anacleto.
L'm Anacleto. L'm very sad.
This is heavy stuff.
Your m other is very sick.
L sleep with him.
They're even stroking him.
It's a lie, it's all a lie, Michel.
Send the runaway ho m e.
It's disgusting.
They pressured Anacleto, or he never would have done it.
They traced me in three days and here l am, captured by...
those who can do it best, the family.
- Why don't you escape? - Where would l go?
L hear you want to go to Tombouctou, to find yourself.
Why not do like Molinier, who sodomized himself...
and, tired of shooting at crucifixes, shot himself?
- A defense of suicide? - Why not?
Michel, look, there l am with Elton John...
another of my clients.
L forgot to tell you l was my father's favorite.
That's why l think it was only fair...
that the jewels he gave my mother stayed here.
If you knew how furious my sisters were.
By the way, has Trini come after you yet?
Commissions.
Sketches.
And this is my masterpiece.
Michel, what do you think of my vision of Dad?
Isn't he like a modern St. Sebastian?
You seem very interested in my great masterpiece.
Michel, this sculpture is priceless.
Now, now, that's it.
Bellow, bellow!
Now, now, now. That's it, come on.
Don't stop, don't stop.
Don't stop. More, more.
More, more, more. Like that.
More, more. Like that.
Go on, go on, go on.
- That's it, that's it. - Ointment for insect bites?
The little box on the left.
Thank you.
Feldene!
Yes, thank you.
- That's it. - So long.
That's it, that's it.
Now l'm going to shoot some free kicks.
Yes, go ahead.
See how an honest industrialist ends up? Ln the black slave trade.
Well, black footballers.
- Is it a good business? - You earn a bit, but not much.
It was my partner's idea. We bring them from Africa...
train them up and sell them to the better clubs.
Dam seems very good. A left kick.
Left or right, it doesn't matter, he isn't for sale.
- Why not? - He's the only one who works.
Here they are. You just play along with me.
Hey, Vicente, that number 7 doesn't seem too bad.
- Yes, but he's always doped. - Really? Fuck that.
If he doesn't take anything, he's useless.
But we've got a rough diamond here. You'll see now.
- Ochaska! - Have you got him?
Ochaska!
Come here.
Quickly!
Ochaska is a star. He nearly signed for Monaco.
- Really? - He's always injured.
What do you mean? He's in great form. He's completely recovered.
Look, l've got his X-ray, and the doctor who treated him...
the well-known, famous Dr. Michel des Assantes...
from Paris Saint-Germain.
Say something to them, doctor.
It's very good, very good.
L can't see a thing. Lt's terrible.
He says he's strong as an oak. Let's sign the deal.
If a doctor from Paris says so...
Well? Are they going to sell me?
No, they prefer him. Ochaska.
But that bastard is lame.
How can they do that? Mr. Vicente is a son of a bitch.
He brought me here, gave me a lousy contract...
and has me like a slave.
It's a shame, because you play very well.
All l want to do is play and travel.
L've got a cousin who plays with Olimpic.
Why won't you sell me?
Don't be so unkind. How could you leave Encarna on her own?
Now go and kick the ball around.
Dr. Michel, l want to show you the factory.
- L'm sorry. - Rubo, get on the pitch.
We have to sign players from the East, the blacks don't defend.
You, move, quickly.
Here, hide this.
Jesus, what a mess.
Doctor, get in the other side. You were great.
- "Mascleta." - No, "mascleta" is fireworks.
That's the NATO bastards on maneuvers.
They've fucked up the load again.
This could have been Eurodisney and it's a firing range.
Look, all that used to be almond trees.
L'd like to take a walk through that countryside.
Ramonet! They fucked up the journey on me again.
See what's broken and tell Claramunt to send the invoice.
Send it where?
Give it to me, l'll do it! "Send it where?"
l don't know! To NATO, to the Generalitat...
to the Hygiene Commission in Brussels.
Try Greenpeace.
Where are you going?
All go. Today holiday innocents. Not work.
Holiday innocents! Fuck, this lot celebrate everything.
Christian holidays, Moslem ones, Animist ones.
The Holy lnnocents isn't a holiday. L'm the only innocent here.
L no know. L say today holiday.
Watch it, you won't get your Christmas parcel.
We're heading straight for bankruptcy. Take this.
L thought what we had was a safe, everlasting business.
However much society may change, it still has to shit.
Well, forget it.
We live in an inhuman society, inhuman and constipated.
This is a gift for you.
Raise the seat, pull the chain and orgeat comes out.
That's it.
And now l'm going to show you my latest hope.
The 21st century john, a sure winner at the Frankfurt Fair.
Fantasy and technical solutions. Observe.
Security lock with a personal code.
Adaptable seat, upholstered and collapsible arms and back.
Grip-tight arm...
for effort.
Vacuum cleaning by suction.
The perfect dwelling for the modern man.
If you like your own solitude, you'll find nothing like it.
It would be a miracle.
Given that you catch them so well...
l don't know how you can't eat them.
"Locust" all bad animals.
In my country, they eat all agriculture crops.
But these creatures are different.
These darlings come from the sea.
They're the same, like cousins, and family never good.
Don't complain, we treat you like you were a son.
If l were a son, l'd have a motor bike, not half a bicycle.
Ungrateful wretch! To think how much Encarna loves you.
Dam, you goddam son of a black woman, you pagan!
L'm not a pagan, my father was a missionary!
Really? Then why did you put this in the washing machine?
L didn't do it. Ls everything my fault?
L did it. Lt was really dirty.
But it has the sign of the envoy.
Remember what the Pope told you in El Rocio.
If you want to screw the French guy, quit the mysticisim.
You want to possess him in your own way. You're a Jezebel!
L wouldn't say l'm not.
Please, leave Michel alone, he's got enough on his plate.
All he wants is to be alone. Like me.
Alone.
Be quiet, l know you too.
You're not children of Manolete.
You're succubi, children of Satan.
- Lunatic. - Whore.
Faggot.
Silent night,
holy night,
all is cal m, all is bright...
No, no, wait. That's for dessert. You don't eat it now.
Do you like the cape? Lt was his shroud in Linares.
We keep it just as it was, with the maestro's blood.
It cost me a fortune to buy it from his assistant.
Come on, you didn't pay all of it.
As we still haven't settled Dad's exhumation...
we sent this piece of cape with the maestro's blood...
so they could analyze the DNA.
L think it'll do. What do you think, doctor?
Yes, yes, blood is always blood.
Listen, come and see this.
- Your mother again. - Yes.
Here she is with the Viennese.
This is Gustavo Re, this is her with Matias Prats.
And here she is with Hemingway.
And here she is in El Pardo with Dona Carmen Polo de Franco.
And is this another doll?
No, no, that's Ramonet, Mom's husband.
He worked as a dwarf with Eduardini, in the circus.
L don't resemble him.
Nor l. Have you seen my Manolete eyes?
L can guess...
who these are.
- Yes. - You've guessed right.
It's the three of us when we were little.
The three little parrots.
My m a m a loved the little birdie.
She would always bring it in and out.
But despite all the revelry and wriggling,
it was beco m ing just a little s m all.
My papa really preferred the feathers
to all the other parts of that bird.
And where there's so m uch plu m age everyone knows
a wo m an's drea m sare soon turned to woes.
Oh lord, oh lord, oh lord.
We three little parrots are here,
oh lord,
to sing to you like this, ole!
Let's have supper.
Come on, Michel.
Bless, Lord, the food we are about to receive...
and let those who suffer die without suffering.
Sit down.
Try a king prawn. Dam caught them, they're very fresh.
L see, you've taken more.
You've taken the big ones.
Let's not have any nonsense about the portions.
If l give Michel the biggest ones, as is logical...
l get the smallest ones.
Not that old story again. Have your prawns.
Go on, stuff yourself sick with prawns.
That's enough!
In these cases...
the best thing is...
a set of scales.
In the home of a friend of mine, a writer...
l won't name him, he's a communist...
Well!
The scales...
are always used for caviar.
Then l'll get the baby scale from the drugstore.
And we'll draw lots for them.
Forget about drawing lots. You know what Mom said.
What did Mom say?
That the jewels were for me.
The doll said that under pressure.
L got them, and l'll make better use of them.
Yeah, and l got the fucking drugstore.
What about me? All l got was the tiger nut field.
And l'm fucking fed up with orgeat.
You know what? As soon as we divide up Dad's money...
l'm going as a ventriloquist on a liner.
- L'm going back to the missions. - Right, and l'll be on my own.
In the end, we all aspire to the same thing.
What?
To disappear.
Excuse me. As my Spanish friend says...
the prostate.
Come on, you won't make it.
Fucking hell! L can't keep an eye on everything!
We'll end up losing the aircraft carrier.
Come on, man!
Put your back into it! Pedal! That won't do it!
- This doesn't work. - Lt doesn't work?
If you can't cope with this sand, what about the Sahara?
You'll never make it to Tombouctou.
Forget the Sahara. L'm going through the Atlas.
In that case, it's up to the gentleman.
You'll have to try it on the rocks.
Bring it over here.
At last.
Just as well.
You've become quite a cyclist.
You...
You never won a race, did you?
And l didn't need to.
L was always a proletarian, if you didn't realize.
The boss always won.
An anarchist so as to get even.
Let's not get confused. L really believe in the idea.
Why do you think l've got a record?
Smuggling, eh?
That's a traditional activity.
Any day now, they'll declare it of tourist interest...
and put it in a theme park.
It's a fucking frigate.
Not again! Those jeans from the Lebanon.
We'll have to go back to fishing.
Fuck it anyway.
One of these days, l'll have to have a word with those marines.
Are you a friend of the gringos?
And Sacco...
and Vanzetti?
What are you babbling about? Calabuch and l, en masse...
declared war one day on the United States navy.
Of course, it's true we lost. That nice admiral appeared...
and since then we've had this kind of activity.
You're one of a kind. You've ruined it again.
Well...
We can knock off now.
How is it?
How's the sea urchin?
Disgusting.
L'm telling you, where there are good clams...
Goddam, l know someone who prepares them for me...
What, clams?
Clams means licking your fingers.
By the way, l suppose you've screwed Trini by now.
No.
That's odd. She's quite a female.
Painfully comfortable.
Exactly. Lf you had any solidarity...
you'd have given her what she needs.
Egoism has got nothing to do with solidarity.
Stop fucking.
- Everyone else, you mean? - Yes.
That's a nice theory.
But you know the problem with you egoists?
One day you look in the mirror...
and suddenly you want to shoot the idiot you see reflected there.
Take a look at Tombouctou.
You'll soon get over your "mal du siecle".
- Your wife? - Yes, sir. Ex-wife.
Fuck it, you've got a good memory for faces.
Nice haunches, eh?
That's where the limit of the universe is.
The hell with Tombouctou.
You can say what you want, Michel, but...
wouldn't you take away a bit from here, the double chin?
- No? - No.
And these wrinkles?
L like wrinkles. They show life.
L spent years removing them, and in the end...
all l had was the sensation of having performed...
autopsies.
That's horrible.
Well, in that case, don't even touch my tits.
What do you think l could do with my tits?
Use them.
As...
As a refuge.
Oh, that's lovely, Michel.
That's really lovely.
The thing is, l've always had a bit of a complex...
and now, with age, it's the fear of the fall.
L'm living it.
L've thought of something. Come here.
L'll tell you in the mirror so you understand better.
L'd like...
l'd like to insert a bit of silicone, know what l mean?
But l thought that with silicone...
it was like bulls with shaven horns, but the reverse.
That you lose...
your sense of distance, know what l mean?
Do you think that, Michel?
L'm sorry.
- No matter. - L'm sorry.
No, don't worry, it's all right. Don't worry, it's all right.
Maybe it's just that you haven't found the right woman yet.
L've met every kind.
Married to others, married to me.
Daughters of the ones who were married...
to me.
Mothers of those who were married to others.
But you'd never met me, had you?
Yes, yes.
You are my last...
discovery.
The woman with balls.
You're right there, because l've got them well hung.
Is that what you like, Michel? Ls that what turns you on?
Yes, that's what it is.
- Trini! Not again? - Really!
- What are you doing? - No, what are you doing?
L've brought the beans for the paella.
The beans! Check the paella so the rice doesn't burn.
L'll be down when l've finished seeing the doctor.
L don't believe it! With that fucking Parisian!
French always do same. Conquer secretly. Look at Madagascar.
The hell with Madagascar.
Take out the beans. L don't like them.
Ximo!
Where did you get to?
Xlmo, you can't see Calabuch even with binoculars.
L asked them to put it in the middle to see the castle, but...
Look, if we go on like this, we'll lose the blue flag this year.
The Generalitat sent it like that.
- Look at the sketches. - The sketches!
- Is this a king prawn? - Yes, it's a king prawn.
- This is its closed season. - Lt's a red mullet.
- What is it? - A king prawn?
- L said, what is it? - A red mullet, a red mullet.
The illegal lot have put up their banner...
without a municipal license.
- Your husband's henchmen. - What? What are you doing?
- Putting advertisement. - He's in big trouble.
More to the left! How often do l have to tell you?
Near the steps!
Vicente, do you have to bring your toilets to the meal?
L can consider this as campaign sabotage.
L'm paying for the paella so l can advertise.
L can't stand him.
- Why let him do this to you? - L don't let him.
The Czechs say they want vodka with the paella.
They can have whatever they want!
- What'll we do with the banner? - Take it down.
- Get rid of the banner! - What's that harpy doing here?
Witch, envoy of the Devil!
Me? L'm a servant of the Lord and you're a confessed murderer!
But contrite and repentant, not like you, a mass executioner.
Mass? Good, that reminds me, l'm missing a priest.
Order, order, order!
What's going on here?
This apostate is here in her habits, provoking us...
knowing she was defrocked by the Holy Church.
L only came to bless the paella!
If anything has to be blessed, l'll do it.
L'm an active professional.
Stop it! This is a secular event.
Sergeant, for God's sake, impose some order.
Let's have some peace. Ma'am, go home, house arrest.
Father, come with me, you're on bail.
So he gets to stay here and l have to go home?
Encarna, you'll have a fit. Remember your blood pressure.
Let me take your pulse. Lt's really racing.
A stretcher, a stretcher! The banner, anything.
She think she's an illuminist but she's an angel of death.
She knocked off 14 terminal patients in a hospital.
She's a saint.
Encarna! She's having a fit! She's having a fit!
Dam, get that tongue out.
Not yours, dummy, hers! She'll choke.
Oh, Maria! L love you very much.
But l'm very sad because the world is heading...
Mad as a hatter. We'll take her home, this is a family matter.
Come on, then.
L have to reveal the third secret which has got a lot of life.
Life is sacred. We have to create, we mustn't destroy.
Take cloning, for example.
What an amazing concept.
To take a case in point...
the body of Christ is multiplied daily...
in the hundreds of thousands of hosts we distribute.
L don't understand all that fuss with the sheep...
when the first, most glorious clone, after Adam, was Our Lord.
The Pope doesn't realize.
L sent him a fax but l got no damn answer.
Cloning is stupid.
This is an ex-doctor, photocopyist cloner talking.
- Treski! - That's incredible.
It must be the new quality control for king prawns.
Did you know that Brussels wants to put a bar code on the hosts...
and an expiry date?
Who the fuck are they...
to tell me when l can consume the body of Christ?
That's normal.
The orthodox priest would like to hold the funeral in your church.
He's not to dare go into my Church.
Who does he think he is? God?
- You needn't be like that. - On your way.
- Do you like the paella? - Lt isn't bad.
Then your taste buds are in your ass. Lt's lousy.
Spain, in the raw, will fill the world with awe!
It's clear to see we're naked as can be!
ENTER THE MILLENNIUM WITHOUT A BATHING SUIT
Stop that immediately!
L said you're not to form into a group!
You've got no shame!
You should be ashamed you're not up here.
L blame Benidorm.
Spain, in the raw, will fill the world with awe.
It's clear to see we're naked as can be.
Would the owners of a dog called Treski...
a cat called Flor, and a set of unidentified false teeth...
co m e to the Town Hall to collect their property.
It's good. L'm sure it's fattening.
- No, not at all. - Orgeat.
Can you mix it with vodka?
You can mix it with anything, but mixtures are never good.
Excuse me, this isn't turned off.
L love the culture of the lower Mediterranean.
L thought my husband was a fool...
but it was a very good idea of his to come down here.
We've got a house a bit further that way.
In Sitges. L've come from there.
You should buy a house here.
We have a wonderful, micro-climate all year.
Really? Perhaps. Why not?
Why not?
Well, has Michel been a nuisance?
Not at all, he's a real gentleman.
In the time he's been here, he's become one of the family.
That's good...
because recently he's been absolutely unbearable.
Since he stopped functioning, he's just impossible.
Between you and me, he's never been that great.
L don't think he's that bad at all.
L mean, from what l've seen, he isn't bad.
L married him so as to have a surgeon in the house...
but look at this. He's left me cross-eyed.
Let's see.
Rather than cross-eyed, l'd say one-eyed.
He isn't very good.
Well, the raw material has got a lot to do with these things.
L'll show you.
L'd thought of fixing myself up a bit, know what l mean?
L spoke to him, and he said l wasn't to touch them.
- Did he touch them? - A bit.
Well, it's his life. For me, he can do whatever he wants...
but what really annoyed me...
was how he left the clinic. Even if he is old...
he can't do things like that. Know what l mean?
Yes, of course. He's an adult. He can decide what he wants.
And on the very day l was going to tell him...
that Didier and l have got plans for the future.
That's really awful. To leave you...
on the day you were going to leave him.
Just as well they rang me from the Gendarmerie...
to tell me he was here.
- Here. - He's here?
- Yes, yes. - Where is he?
L don't know. On principle, l never control men.
At the outset, that is, then...
Michel, you're always going ass-first.
- My wife. - Which one?
Which one do you think? The worst.
Women always find you.
Calm down, she can't be worse than mine.
Go and see what she wants.
- Have you any message for her? - Decapitate her.
Listen, Boronat, l want the van tomorrow, no messing.
No impositions. Lt'll be ready or it won't.
If you don't look at the van, l'll take a look around here.
The Levis from the Lebanon. You can have them.
And in a month they'll have fallen apart, like the last ones.
Come on, get moving.
Buy a desert and sweep it.
Come out, your wife didn't send him here.
What the hell are you doing with that?
- What is it? - Guess.
A bomb.
So? An anarchist without his bomb is like a man without his balls.
Isn't it lovely? L called it Lola, like Marlene Dietrich.
The perfect marriage. Me and my bomb. My bomb and me.
- You aren't going to use it? - Who knows!
If they annoy me, they'll pay for it.
That fucking Eagle might end up really flying.
- But, Boronat... - Don't Boronat me.
All your big talk about ending things...
and now you're getting finicky.
But killing a champion of the Tour...
A champion with the help of all the team...
but he took the glory. We'll give him more.
- Is the Frenchman here? - Oh, Vicente.
What does that viper want?
L'm not going back.
Why are you hiding? She doesn't want to see you.
She wants you to sign these papers, for a divorce.
She wants to marry somebody else.
That shit Didier.
He isn't even my best friend.
- So he's your partner, is he? - No.
Will you sign them or not?
Who does she think she is?
- L don't know. - She's a work of mine!
- L'm not going to sign. - Don't sign.
That's it! Show you've got guts when there's no alternative.
L'm off, l have to get my injection.
Tell her...
that Didier was living with a Jesuit for three years.
L don't think that'll impress her. They're all over the place.
Go on, go on, go on!
Calm yourself.
The world is a gob of spit without a spittoon.
You have to give everyone what they deserve.
Let's fix this puncture.
What for?
Tombouctou doesn't exist! Lt doesn't exist!
Tombouctou doesn't exist. Lt doesn't exist.
You've gone crazy, man. You've destroyed it.
- Get up, man. - What's wrong?
- Have they fixed the membrane? - What membrane?
- He knows nothing. - Where's Boronat?
He'll be at the beach for the photo with Bahamonte.
Yes?
Sir, we've got two more with pneumonia.
And Bahamonte?
L'VE TAKEN LOLA. SNUFF lT YOUR OWN WAY.
Hey, Michel!
Where did you get to?
Your wife's gone. She's very pretty, very pretty.
- How old is she? - Seven operations.
- Where's Boronat? - He's behind...
in the Ford with poor Bahamonte. He got a chill on the beach.
L must speak to him.
Oh, your wife said you're not to worry about your son.
He isn't yours.
That's hardly news.
- The water was fucking freezing. - But clean.
- We've got the blue flag all year. - You're getting old, champ.
That wasn't in the contract.
And l'd eaten some fried eggs.
These waters never upset your digestion.
And the photo was lovely.
But l'm a landlubber. Water and l don't...
By the way...
- Do you pay with VAT or without? - We sorted that out with your wife.
With my wife?
You've fucked it.
Boronat!
- Boronat! - What is it now?
Think about it.
Don't do it.
Hello, how are you?
All your talk about egoism, now you're worried about others.
Don't be crazy. Theory is one thing.
Reality...
is another.
Are you coming to the fiesta?
Don't worry, it'll be all right.
To end like this...
l knew you were a tame sentimentalist.
Don't miss it, Michel. L'm going to speak.
Have you joined the parade too?
You see? Lt's falsified, it's all falsified.
L'm the president of the brotherhood...
but because of that distance restriction...
l'm stuck at the ass end.
Listen to me.
Boronat is capable of organizing a massacre.
Who, him? Not a chance, he's just another wimp.
It is an honor for this little city...
to have with us one of the men...
who have brought most glory to Spain in centuries.
Where's Boronat?
L don't know. He must be here, he's part of the ceremony.
The winner of five Tours de France.
Well, one, it's all the same.
A representative of our race...
who has always combined effort with a healthy life...
with our Mediterranean diet, our local produce...
with our theme parks.
Yeah, full of NATO bombs...
uprooted almond groves and ruined factories.
- Be quiet, Don Vicente, please. - Go and have a few beers.
And to name him favorite son of this city...
we have got someone who was born here.
- Where's your husband? - God knows where that pain is.
But don't worry, he won't get away.
Do you trust him?
Who? That limp dick? Of course.
Look at him.
To present him with the keys of the city.
- Boronat! - Sucker!
Turncoat! Ass-licker!
Officialist.
Go take a shit, Sento.
Brownnoser!
My dear Federico...
l can forgive you for being stronger...
and exploiting my sacrifices in the mountains.
And even for screwing my wife.
Yes, yes, yes, but what l cannot forgive is that...
you didn't keep any ice cream for me. Pedal this!
Well done!
My God! What a scandal!
Don't take any photos!
Here's the corpus delicti.
We should have brought the tennis player.
Come here, sultana.
Where's Lola?
Where she should be, and l won't lend her to you.
- Trini, a bandage or something. - Come on, Michel.
Hey, wait a minute. Who's Lola?
Merimee's woman. Come here, Tourmalet.
It was nothing, you're fine. Hold him up, sergeant.
- The bastard, a teammate. - Well, you were...
With holy water?
Yes, my sister Encarna says it's the best cure.
Get an ambulance.
Telephone my wife, please.
Don't worry, the Civil Guard are in charge.
That's it, but let's sit him down. The man can't stay on his feet.
Father, l've got the kids who want to hear about Saint Dimas.
They just want a show for free.
Ex-communists are very devout.
They want back into the Austro-Hungarian empire.
With a souvenir or two. That's how the temples were sacked.
Noli tangere!
Watch it, it wouldn't be the first time l've killed someone!
Let's see.
Saint Dimas, our holy patron...
first patrician administrator of this historic city...
a forerunner of what is now known as corruption...
had problems with Roman law over some embezzlement...
and ended up in Palestine...
crucified alongside Our Lord Jesus Christ...
who later forgave him...
and since then we worship the good thief.
Kid, get the hell out of there.
These votive offerings...
are the secular gratitude of the faithful...
who have spared no expense so the saint should cure their ills.
Alopecia, lameness, meteorism...
gingivitis, breast cancer...
priapism...
What is this?
Anathema, heresy! Why is it here?
Drastic action is needed.
Those are my mother's jewels. Lt's my brother Gaby's doing.
L'll kill him, l'll kill him.
He did it for me. How kind of him.
It would be a miracle.
Do you think it could work?
It depends. Lf the jewels are real...
- Of course they are. - Then it'll work.
- And they're mine. - Ma'am, please.
Have some compassion for the ills of the world.
These jewels should go to form part of the saint's treasure.
Like hell! The jewels are mine!
They're mine, they're mine!
L'll kill him!
Oh, Saint Dimas...
omni-potent.
Michel, all that legend about Saint Dimas is an exaggeration.
L just did it to provoke them.
To provoke my sisters. L've always liked provocation.
What do you think of the library?
The prison of books.
Ramonet's prison of books.
We always underestimated him. He was a man of great intellect.
In the mornings he went to the circus, in the evenings, to Pombo.
He knew the great intellectuals. Here's a photo you'll like.
This is Ramonet with Dali and Bunuel.
- Bunuel? - Yes, don't you know Bunuel?
Ramonet inspired him to make Le Chien Andalou.
L've got a book here on Bunuel.
Gaby! You're here, you bastard! You're worse than a bastard!
Fraud, son of a bitch, bastard!
L'll kill you! L swear it, l'll kill you!
That's enough! They were mine, l could do as l pleased with them.
- And mine too. - L did it for you, Michel.
Why the fuss? L had them valued, they're worthless.
What?
Our mother had us fooled all these years.
- A whore, and a con woman too. - Not a con woman, a dummy.
Imagine being taken in by a bullfighter.
But my tiger nuts won the day.
Well, l don't believe it.
Michel, look, isn't it lovely?
L was the model. Yes, that ass is me.
The bicycle is the road to salvation...
and the door leads to Heaven.
Right, Gaby?
Don't talk rubbish. Lt's a collective ass.
The inspiration was Benilde, the first mold was yours...
but the definitive ass was that of a Ford worker.
Trini, your better half. That's your better half.
L don't want to get out. L don't want to.
Artemio, the judge gave you parole, you have to comply with it.
The cell l've got now faces west, l'll fucking loose it.
Artemio, come on. Your wife and family are waiting.
Screw the family. The jail is my home.
We have to talk about the factory.
The factory! L'll tell you all about the factory.
Pinango, say something, you did a course in psychology.
Artemio! Get into the house!
You're for it when l go up.
Here he is, Dona Trini. Happy Christmas.
Same to you.
What bastard put a bullfighter's hat on the Baby Jesus?
It must have been you. Lt's a sacrilege!
It's an allegory, sister.
After all, he needled everyone until they nailed him.
How can you talk like that! Look at this.
L think it looks much nicer. Lt seems more part of us now.
- Michel, how was the gilthead? - Very nice.
Then you should say so.
Can you cook the eye a bit more for me, please?
- But l'll burn the pupil. - Thank you.
Fill this for me, would you?
In the prison, there's an ETA cook who really knows about fish.
L live like a king there.
If you'd come to the vis-a-vis occasionally...
l've got my period.
- Every week? - Yes. Lt happens to me too.
It runs in the family.
No matter. L've discoverd the joy of sodomy.
So you can change someone's fingerprints and face?
- L'd have some clients for you. - Sorry, l'm retired.
Artemio, if you want to talk business...
leave Michel be and talk about the factory.
The factory? L sold it.
- What? - To a capo, a friend of mine.
He has to hide his profits, try to understand.
What will happen to my projects?
And the 2001 toilet?
Do you know the future that it had, dammit? Do you?
Michel, you heard him. What can l do?
Commit suicide or have a family meeting.
It was l who gave you the idea.
L designed it for you, with its normal, everyday toilet paper.
Toilet paper? Toilet paper?
For fuck's sake! L'll show you what l'm capable of!
L'll throw myself off the balcony!
Come here, for heaven's sake.
Artemio, Vicente's right.
He's your partner. You should have consulted him.
L consult my partner on everything except decisions.
What'll poor Vicente do now?
L don't care. L know what l'm going to do.
Trini, you're strangling me.
Hello? Hey, Boris, hello.
Yes, of course l'm spending New Year's Eve with you.
In the sickbay. Sure, great. L'll see you later.
- Come on, my little lamb. - What are you doing, Artemio?
- Keep moving. - People are looking at us.
You're my wife, aren't you? Wait a minute.
This is overdone. Come on, come on.
Where's my eye?
END OF THE MILLENNIUM
ERICSSON
Here it is. You can sew it back on again, ma'am.
Did they analyze it properly? Maybe it's from another cape.
- With a second sample. - Yes, absolutely.
Three exhaustive analyses. Here's the invoice for the tests.
L don't care about the invoice.
L want to know what the results are.
- It's what l feared. - What?
Mihura with some Albaserrada, a bit of Mayalde...
and worst of all, some Cobaleda.
- Well. - Cobaleda! What is all this?
"What is all this?" Monolete was the start of bullfighting's decline.
Just take a look at this. Wrong mixes...
loss of caste. The fighting breed was shot to hell.
L don't care about the fighting breed.
L want to know if l'm Manolete's daughter. Dad's blood.
L'm sorry, there's no trace of that.
That assistant conned you.
This nose, these eyes, aren't they his?
You're not going to ask them to dig him up? That's terrible.
That would be very difficult, ma'am.
By the way, talking of the invoice, look.
These are the fees, with overtime for Christmas.
That too.
Michel, good morning.
Michel, where are you going like that?
We've had a awful disappointment. You can't leave now.
L'm going to try to.
Oh, Lord, he's leaving. What a pity!
- But you will go to El Rocio. - Yes, yes.
You know what? Lt turns out now that these two wretches...
are the children of Ramonet, my father.
The dwarf?
He worked as a dwarf. Lt isn't the same.
You'll have some breakfast before you go.
What a pity.
Michel, l made these shoes for you.
Do you like them?
You'll be a hit in Tombouctou.
L'll gift wrap them for you.
- Mr. Vicente, how can you go? - How do you think? On a bicycle.
But l'm here for you. How can you go?
- Vicente! What are you doing? - L'm going to Tombouctou!
To hell with Russian lesbians and soccer players.
To hell with this country of genetic strikers...
conventions, committees, and constipation.
Shit!
Have you gone crazy? Who'll give you your injection?
L'm going too. L'm going.
Tell Miss Encarna to find another black to screw her.
Vicente, wait! L'm coming too.
He'll never make it!
F.A.l. lRON COLUMN 1936.
Sento...
How's the perspective?
Coming along fast.
But l don't know why l'm doing it, this is washed up.
Why?
Go inside and talk to Boronat, to that renegade.
Hell, Michel, where are you going with that box?
And why are you dressed?
L've fixed things up with Benilde...
and we're going on a Caribbean cruise.
That's very nice. Are those revolutionary?
Of course. Why do you think l'm taking them?
Some day we'll reach the coast and l'll go to the promised land.
- Cancun? - Chiapas.
It's our only hope for the 21st century.
- You're a charlatan. - Who, me?
You're yellow, impotent and envious.
- And you're an anarcho-tourist. - Who, me?
- Yes. - Exiled out of dignity.
Fuck, let's not get angry.
- You've seen Benilde's ass. - Yes, lots.
- What? - Not like that.
Gaby's sculpture.
He's got a nerve. He never paid us a penny.
- Will you keep an eye on this? - Yes, don't worry.
And Lola?
L've told you Lola is where she has to be. That's my affair.
Now...
Come on, give me a hug.
- Cheers, keep it up. - Thank you.
Yeah, sure, go and show off...
and give tips to the waiters. Traitor.
- Go take a shit, Sento. - Some revolutionary.
He'll come back and run for mayor.
L bet you anything he will.
3 MINUTES AND 33 SECONDS
UNTIL THE END OF THE MILLENNIUM
There are two minutes left to the end of the film.
L'm on 96...
420202.
BERMEJO, GO TAKE A SHIT
Silence, please! Silence.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Female citizens of Calabuch and other residents...
when the chimes have struck...
we'll move on to the millennium and the rockets.
Trini?
Michel, thank goodness l found you.
If you saw what Boronat has done.
Exactly like Mateo Moral at Alfonso Xlll's wedding.
Now, come here just as you are. L've got everything for you...
even bream's eyes. Yes.
L'm coming.
Yes.
Shit, l'm not hungry.
The world always was and will be lousy, that l know.
In 506 and in 2000 as well.
There have always beenthieves, Machiavellis and victi m s,
happy and discontent,
he-m en and weaklings.
But that the 20th century is a display
of insolent wickedness
no one can now deny.
We live our lives encased in a m eringue
and we are all s m eared by the sa m e m ud.
Mr. Vicente, are you staying here?
No, will you take me?
L'm not going to Tombouctou, l'm going home.
L don't care.
- Have you got a bathroom? - Of course.
With a cistern?
What "sister"? With a hole in the ground.
With a septic tank. L knew it, straight into the shit.
You're obsessed. All you talk about is shit. Not in my country.
Today it's all the sa m e
if you'rehonest or a traitor,
ignorant, wise, a thief,
generousor a fraudster.
Everything's the sa m e, nothing is better.
A fool is the sa m e as the wisest of m en.
There are no failures,
no m easuring scale.
Those without m orals have levelled us all.
If one lives in falsehood
and another steals for his a m bition,
it doesn't m atter ifhe's a priest,
mattress m aker, king of clubs,
rogue or stowaway.
L'M SCARED
What a lack of respect.
What a tra m pling of reason.
Anyone can be a thief.
Anyone can be a gentle m an...